well, it’s been a strange few days. I’ve thought about you a lot. I’ve thought about a lot of things these last few days. As usual the thoughts that made me happiest were also the ones that hurt the most. Is it always going to be like that? Everything that makes me smile also making me feel sick to my stomach, every half day of happiness only leaving me feeling worse when it has to end? Worth it none the less. At least there’s that.
I had the strangest dream. The three of us were walking up the street towards our house, I think it was really early morning. i remember the shadows were really long so maybe. The bulbs I planted in the lawn for you after the funeral had grown and taken over the garden. There was 1000s of tiny dwarf daffodils covering the grass and bunching thickly up against walls of the house. The front door way hanging off it’s hinges and the flowers were growing into the dark hallway. I could just see your trainers, the red adidas ones, right where you always left them, just inside the door. The house was derelict, the windows boarded, the roof half gone, the beams all black and rotten.
But there were flowers everywhere. J said you could tell no one had been there for ages because the flowers were so thick and undisturbed. We all agreed we wouldn’t go in because the house was getting used to being empty.
I’m not sure what I find hardest, the dreams or the waking.
I miss you angel.