Time’s not a healer.

Time’s not a healer. For me the passing years just make me tired. Not the kind of weariness that sleep will allow you to wake from rested. It’s a soul stretched, thinness. A spirit all skeleton and no muscle.

Imagine a picture, a photograph. A perfect moment captured compete. I have one, well several. But one in particular. I carry it in my pocket. Every day and always. Everywhere I go I have that memory next to me. Close.

Sometimes, that photograph, that instance of a perfect moment makes me almost weightless.  I can stride giants steps, float on a breath of air and sail above it all.

But mostly, the knowledge that the moment has passed, that perfect moment, the memory of it and all the others we shared, being gone, being passed, never to be repeated, carried forward or ever being more than just a photograph, a static dead moment, weighs more than the world.

The weight of that picture, that perfect moment, sat silent and still in my pocket feels the weight of every year passed since it’s taking, and some days just pins me in place. I try to move forward. The best I can manage is to stumble, fall ever inwards around the same small circle.  Getting nowhere, feeling nothing but dizzy, confused and tired.

Time’s not a healer, it’s just minutes flying past, hours pulling at your heart and days filled with memories that the years want to steal.

I have a photograph, it’s here in my pocket and it weighs as heavy as a world.

on the eve of 2011

“I  wouldn’t want to be the person who had felt as I do now and then walked – or drifted – away from that feeling until things felt better.

That is precisely my problem. I prefer the idea of death to what I feel just now, but I would prefer to feel the way I do now for ever than to feel better, because feeling better would mean that I am not the one who loved her any more, and I could not bear that.”

was

I was the moon and you were my endless sky.

Seven years and she’s still dead.

Seven years and she’s still dead. I think deep down I’ve never expected that she’d be dead this long, that I cant fix it and make it all get back to normal. It’s not how any days and years its been since I last saw or held her, but how many more there are still to come. I don’t want her to be dead for ever – come on, she’s been gone long enough now. Can I have her home and we’ll just go back to normal now please. Am I going crazy?

Ruine hath taught me thus to ruminate,

That time will come and take my love away.

This thought is as a death which cannot choose,

But weep to have that which it fears to loose.

Autumn

Missing Lindsay today. I think it’s the Autumn leaves. Well i know it is really. Same every year.We met in the Autumn, fell in love in the Autumn and I carried her coffin through the falling leafs at the end.

“Love is a flower that grows in any soil, works its sweet miracles undaunted by autumn frost or winter snow, blooming fair and fragrant all the year, and blessing those who give and those who receive.”

 

still singing the same old songs.

With your kiss my life begins. You’re spring to me, all things to me.

Don’t you know you’re life itself? Like a leaf clings to a tree, oh my darling cling to me.

For we’re creatures of the wind; and wild is the wind, so wild is the wind..

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.

just sat here awake after a nightmare, another nightmare.

Always the same nightmare when I sleep, and always the same heartache when i awake to find it’s still true.

I miss you.

xx

“O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.”